If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
