I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
