if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
