There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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