Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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