You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
