I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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