Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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