I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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