I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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