Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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