I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
