Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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