my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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