He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
