in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Another day, another engagement, another cat
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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