It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
