She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Pants are for mortals
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