I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
