Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
