Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
