The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
