I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
