How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
