hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
