I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
