I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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