did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
