Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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