We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We need to get me chipped asap
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
