Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
