you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
