"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
