and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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