just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
