Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
