He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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