the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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