And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
