Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
