The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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