The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
