i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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