I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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