I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
