Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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