I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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