There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
