im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
