i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
