The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
