wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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