i need an iv and a liver transplant
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
