Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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