it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
