last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
