She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
