Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
