I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
