How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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