Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
