well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
