new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
