That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
